The suddenness! The sheer suddenness of the move. The unexpected nature of the move. The unpredictability of the move. The fact that there was no warning!
2020 has been an absolute shit show, and even though I was delusional enough to think this would be my year, it, in some way, was. But before I even begin to acknowledge this year, I need to revisit what I thought was a fine farewell to 2019.
And bring it on it did! My incredibly naive self had so many misconceptions about 2019 and so much hope for 2020. But despite everything 2020 gave me, I’m glad that I kept to some of my resolutions this year. Do I wish things went down differently? Yes. However, I don’t regret much of what has happened this year.
Believe it or not, even though 2020 was ridiculous, I still consider 2019 to be the worst year of my life.
It’s crazy how I expected a lot to come out of this year. I wasn’t only trying to make changes professionally, but I knew I had several battles to conquer. I am glad none of my resolutions was to stop being so dramatic because where’s the fun in that?
While being cheeky is so much fun, let’s dive straight into the ugly. I know so many people who wouldn’t consider my experience to be as bad as I describe. But unfortunately for me, it was no less than waking up to an inescapable nightmare. Unbeknownst to me, it wasn’t only work that contributed to my terrible mental health, but it also was the kind of people I happened to surround myself with.
And not only was it incredibly nerve-wracking to make my way into a different workspace, but I was also terrified of having to come across similar circumstances. But seeing how I’d made more adventures was one of my resolutions, it seemed appropriate. And one of the those happened to be finding my footing in a new work environment. Even though that didn’t work out, it did lead me to Pronoy, my best friend!
I always knew it wasn’t going to be easy getting into an environment that not only demands a lot more than I had to give but with people who weren’t ready to help me despite saying they were. Even though Pronoy helped me ease into work quite effortlessly, it only took me 15 days to understand that this wasn’t the place for me. However, before I prematurely left this place too [typical, as most would say], I got to go to Pride for the first time. Due to circumstances, it was different, but the fact that I mustered up the courage to attend it and have a ball with my best friend was enough.
Even though I barely spent a little over a month at my previous workspace, it still felt bittersweet leaving it. And as odd as this sounds, the only thing I had to look forward to was Valentine’s Day. But you don’t even like that day, Simone. What even? I mean sure, I still don’t, seeing how I wrote this to commemorate the day. I guess I was just excited because I was looking forward to spending the day with Pronoy, the first time we would hang out since I quit my job. And it was a day for a lot of reasons – wine, a lot of fun, and this surprise!
Only The Lonely
The world first heard of COVID-19 back in December 2019, and while we were aware of this gloomy cloud making it’s way over to us, we weren’t ready for what happened next.
When the world had to go under mandatory lockdown, everyone thought this was temporary, I know I did too. Things like “Don’t worry, we will be out of lockdown by my birthday” or “We wouldn’t have to spend festivals in the lockdown” were common phrases.
And even though I always said that I would do incredibly well all by myself, I soon found out that this wasn’t the case. Apart from dealing with an immense amount of anxiety (as is evident with some of my posts since the lockdown), I also watched my confidence going downwards fast.
Lucky for me, Pronoy and I kept ourselves busy with his podcast and my blog. We would record an episode whenever we could, but I also pushed myself to write and put out two posts each week for Funky Poet. Not only did this help with compartmentalizing my emotions, but it also did wonders for my confidence and content.
Despite this, I still had this nagging feeling of not being enough. I guess old habits won’t go away that easy. My mental health now resembled a rollercoaster because all I was doing was putting myself down and stressing myself out about not having a job. It doesn’t seem like much right? But I wasn’t feeling the best, and it showed. And I think the only reason I seemed to be handling it well, was that I was trying to keep myself busy with the blog.
Before I knew it, I became a lot more consistent with Funky Poet, something I hadn’t managed to do in years! I managed to keep a schedule, stick to it, and post content for weeks with ease until I couldn’t. Even though I’d found my rhythm with the blog, the uncertainty regarding the pandemic almost always brought me down.
I keep blaming the pandemic, but it made it difficult for me to do so much. For instance, it seemed like I couldn’t find a job for the longest time. Unfortunately, it felt like I was lost and couldn’t seem to find my way back. Along with having the worst case of anxiety I’d had in a while, I couldn’t look at anything in a positive light. I got over it, but at that moment, I didn’t think things could get any better.
The next few months were a complete blur. I found a new job, struggled to balance between that and the blog, had another run-in with my anxiety and more. But there was so much good too!
We finally introduced the world to Life’s Lineup, actually enjoyed my job, celebrated a string of significant birthdays [mine included]. I even found a way to ease into what had now become the new normal, even though I would occasionally struggle.
But, despite all this, I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that we were slowly making our way to November and we were still in lockdown (partially). It doesn’t seem like much, but I genuinely forgot what month we were in because it felt like March on most days. And even though I now had a routine, albeit a terrible one, I was sure that everything would fall into place.
Sure, I was struggling to keep up at work on most days. But let’s blame that on my terrible sleep cycle because I already have. However, while I felt like I was drowning in work in October, November was so much better. You could say that I was slowly getting the hang of this “work-life balance” people keep talking about. But this wasn’t enough, I was barely doing okay, and I knew I needed to do better. And seeing how we were so close to 2021, I thought it would be better if I made this a resolution instead. But I guess I would never actually keep it, so I decided to change things up in December itself.
And it’s a good thing I did because I was struggling up until mid-December. Christmas was soon going to be here, but I hadn’t even put a dent in my targets – I was in trouble. It worked out in the end because I’ve never finished as early as I did this month. And this left with me with enough time to get into the festive spirit, and I got into it alright! Things were different this year, but we did alright!
In My Own Little Corner
I find it so crazy that 2020 has officially come to an end. I mean, we started alright, hopeful almost and now, not only have we adapted to the new normal, we’ve gone back to being optimistic about a better year.
And while I don’t want to sound like a Negative Nancy, I wonder how chaotic 2021 will be because of this very hope. I’d rather believe that I would keep my new year resolutions instead of holding on to this hope. Things may work out for a few of us, but collectively expecting things to get better only sounds great in theory.
But I had expectations from this year, and I believe I’ve managed to do my best. Because even if I don’t believe in new year resolutions, I think that everyone can have new beginnings. So here’s to making the most of this new normal.
2020 may have found various ways of bringing me down, but 2021 is when I take back control. What has your year been like?
“So Long, Farewell” may be the last post for this year, but I have more coming up later. And if you enjoyed reading this, then you can find more of my work here.