The suddenness! The sheer suddenness of the move. The unexpected nature of the move. The unpredictability of the move. The fact that there was no warning!
2020 has been an absolute shit show, and even though I was delusional enough to think this would be my year, it, in some way, was. But before I even begin to acknowledge this year, I need to revisit what I thought was a fine farewell to 2019.
And bring it on it did! My incredibly naive self had so many misconceptions about 2019 and so much hope for 2020. But despite everything 2020 gave me, I’m glad that I kept to some of my resolutions this year. Do I wish things went down differently? Yes. However, I don’t regret much of what has happened this year.
Believe it or not, even though 2020 was ridiculous, I still consider 2019 to be the worst year of my life.
It’s crazy how I expected a lot to come out of this year. I wasn’t only trying to make changes professionally, but I knew I had several battles to conquer. I am glad none of my resolutions was to stop being so dramatic because where’s the fun in that?
While being cheeky is so much fun, let’s dive straight into the ugly. I know so many people who wouldn’t consider my experience to be as bad as I describe. But unfortunately for me, it was no less than waking up to an inescapable nightmare. Unbeknownst to me, it wasn’t only work that contributed to my terrible mental health, but it also was the kind of people I happened to surround myself with.
And not only was it incredibly nerve-wracking to make my way into a different workspace, but I was also terrified of having to come across similar circumstances. But seeing how I’d made more adventures was one of my resolutions, it seemed appropriate. And one of the those happened to be finding my footing in a new work environment. Even though that didn’t work out, it did lead me to Pronoy, my best friend!
I always knew it wasn’t going to be easy getting into an environment that not only demands a lot more than I had to give but with people who weren’t ready to help me despite saying they were. Even though Pronoy helped me ease into work quite effortlessly, it only took me 15 days to understand that this wasn’t the place for me. However, before I prematurely left this place too [typical, as most would say], I got to go to Pride for the first time. Due to circumstances, it was different, but the fact that I mustered up the courage to attend it and have a ball with my best friend was enough.
Even though I barely spent a little over a month at my previous workspace, it still felt bittersweet leaving it. And as odd as this sounds, the only thing I had to look forward to was Valentine’s Day. But you don’t even like that day, Simone. What even? I mean sure, I still don’t, seeing how I wrote this to commemorate the day. I guess I was just excited because I was looking forward to spending the day with Pronoy, the first time we would hang out since I quit my job. And it was a day for a lot of reasons – wine, a lot of fun, and this surprise!
Only The Lonely
The world first heard of COVID-19 back in December 2019, and while we were aware of this gloomy cloud making it’s way over to us, we weren’t ready for what happened next.
When the world had to go under mandatory lockdown, everyone thought this was temporary, I know I did too. Things like “Don’t worry, we will be out of lockdown by my birthday” or “We wouldn’t have to spend festivals in the lockdown” were common phrases.
And even though I always said that I would do incredibly well all by myself, I soon found out that this wasn’t the case. Apart from dealing with an immense amount of anxiety (as is evident with some of my posts since the lockdown), I also watched my confidence going downwards fast.
Lucky for me, Pronoy and I kept ourselves busy with his podcast and my blog. We would record an episode whenever we could, but I also pushed myself to write and put out two posts each week for Funky Poet. Not only did this help with compartmentalizing my emotions, but it also did wonders for my confidence and content.
Despite this, I still had this nagging feeling of not being enough. I guess old habits won’t go away that easy. My mental health now resembled a rollercoaster because all I was doing was putting myself down and stressing myself out about not having a job. It doesn’t seem like much right? But I wasn’t feeling the best, and it showed. And I think the only reason I seemed to be handling it well, was that I was trying to keep myself busy with the blog.
Before I knew it, I became a lot more consistent with Funky Poet, something I hadn’t managed to do in years! I managed to keep a schedule, stick to it, and post content for weeks with ease until I couldn’t. Even though I’d found my rhythm with the blog, the uncertainty regarding the pandemic almost always brought me down.
I keep blaming the pandemic, but it made it difficult for me to do so much. For instance, it seemed like I couldn’t find a job for the longest time. Unfortunately, it felt like I was lost and couldn’t seem to find my way back. Along with having the worst case of anxiety I’d had in a while, I couldn’t look at anything in a positive light. I got over it, but at that moment, I didn’t think things could get any better.
The next few months were a complete blur. I found a new job, struggled to balance between that and the blog, had another run-in with my anxiety and more. But there was so much good too!
We finally introduced the world to Life’s Lineup, actually enjoyed my job, celebrated a string of significant birthdays [mine included]. I even found a way to ease into what had now become the new normal, even though I would occasionally struggle.
But, despite all this, I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that we were slowly making our way to November and we were still in lockdown (partially). It doesn’t seem like much, but I genuinely forgot what month we were in because it felt like March on most days. And even though I now had a routine, albeit a terrible one, I was sure that everything would fall into place.
Sure, I was struggling to keep up at work on most days. But let’s blame that on my terrible sleep cycle because I already have. However, while I felt like I was drowning in work in October, November was so much better. You could say that I was slowly getting the hang of this “work-life balance” people keep talking about. But this wasn’t enough, I was barely doing okay, and I knew I needed to do better. And seeing how we were so close to 2021, I thought it would be better if I made this a resolution instead. But I guess I would never actually keep it, so I decided to change things up in December itself.
And it’s a good thing I did because I was struggling up until mid-December. Christmas was soon going to be here, but I hadn’t even put a dent in my targets – I was in trouble. It worked out in the end because I’ve never finished as early as I did this month. And this left with me with enough time to get into the festive spirit, and I got into it alright! Things were different this year, but we did alright!
In My Own Little Corner
I find it so crazy that 2020 has officially come to an end. I mean, we started alright, hopeful almost and now, not only have we adapted to the new normal, we’ve gone back to being optimistic about a better year.
And while I don’t want to sound like a Negative Nancy, I wonder how chaotic 2021 will be because of this very hope. I’d rather believe that I would keep my new year resolutions instead of holding on to this hope. Things may work out for a few of us, but collectively expecting things to get better only sounds great in theory.
But I had expectations from this year, and I believe I’ve managed to do my best. Because even if I don’t believe in new year resolutions, I think that everyone can have new beginnings. So here’s to making the most of this new normal.
2020 may have found various ways of bringing me down, but 2021 is when I take back control. What has your year been like?
“So Long, Farewell” may be the last post for this year, but I have more coming up later. And if you enjoyed reading this, then you can find more of my work here.
One thought on “So Long, Farewell!”
I started 2020 working in a new office and the first two months were scary. Everyone around me was way more qualified and knew what they were doing at work. I spent time finding my space and trying to work with children with special needs. Each day felt as if I failed to understand them. However, a few weeks later, I began to bond with them and saw them progressing each day. Then, we suddenly had the lockdown and work was just a bunch of mundane assignments. We were given specific targets to meet and simultaneously I started applying for colleges. The application process started in June and I applied to Christ University. In my mind, I knew I would never get into such a prestigious university. The entire process from entrance exams to interviews was mentally exhausting and I could hardly sleep. Nevertheless, I got my admission and it felt like a miracle. I chose to apply to a different city cause I always dreamt of living this independent life. However, due to Coronavirus college started with online lectures. As I decided to do double majors in industrial psychology. I had a hard time balancing work and family commitments. Then, begin the worst part of 2020 when my sister was tested positive and a few of my other relatives. I still find it difficult to talk about days when she was admitted to the hospital. One bad news leads to another one. In August, my grandfather was admitted to the hospital. My brother and mom left for Delhi to support our family. I stayed back with my father because he had Covid-19 symptoms. There were days when all of us broke down. My grandfather spent days on the ventilator and we had lost hope. However, after 3 months in the hospital, he survived and it was a sign of relief. We went to visit him in September and I still get nightmares of him being on that bed covered in pipes finding it difficult to breathe. I saw my entire family mentally and emotionally breaking down. We came back home but my brother stayed there. After coming back from Delhi it felt like I had left a piece of my heart and mind there. Even though I spent most of my day studying and cheering up my family. I still remember crying myself to sleep and praying to God for my grandfather’s recovery. In October, he was shifted back home but was still extremely weak. I had my college exams in November and my cousin’s sister’s Roka ceremony followed by my birthday. Even though birthdays have never been a big day for me. I spent the day receiving heartfelt messages, videos, and letters. I aced most of my subjects and I had successfully completed my first semester at Christ. I went out on a date with this amazing girl and we sat at CCD near the counter. Also, we spoke about how Starbucks is much better than CCD. Thankfully they didn’t throw us out. I usually don’t like PDA or any form of physical touch. I think growing up I use to feel awkward hugging my friends and family. The only reason that date was so special because towards the end I think I remember hugging her 4 times. I didn’t feel weird or awkward at all and it felt like she was the one. We met again later and felt quite close to each other. Even today on my rough days I like to close my eyes and imagine her being around me. The way she laughed at my stupid jokes or the joy in her eyes while she spoke about her love for spicy food and football. We both decided to call this a relationship. I soon left for my brother’s marriage and I got the opportunity to meet my entire family. We all reconnected with each other and it was the best way to really end the year. I came back to a lot of pending work and a list of friends to meet. I had this amazing sleepover with my best friend in which she spent most of the time pulling my leg. Also, we had deep conversations with each other about life, love, career, and friendship. I think I probably started investing too much in my relationship with this girl. In my defense, it was my first relationship. On some days everything felt good and other things went out of hand. On a random night, there was a misunderstanding between us. She asked for some space and time. I think she thought I cheated on her but she doesn’t know that after committing to her I use to refrain even looking at others. I don’t know what went wrong but I think she needs more time. I hope we could still be friends or she could just be a part of my life. However, on the other hand, they say if you truly love someone then you let them go. Well, keeping all the relationship confusion aside. I started off doing my college work and surprisingly I stayed up till 4-5 am finishing off my assignment. I started reconnecting with my school and college friends. I had a series of video calls with my sisters and friends. I think November and December have comparatively been the happy months of 2020. Honestly, I agree with you 2020 has been a strange year but I’m not someone who is highly optimistic about 2021 too. I believe no matter what day, month, or year it is an individual should give their best. Each individual should put their mind, heart, and soul into whatever they are doing in life. I can see the efforts you put in your blogs and how each emotion or hardship is expressed beautifully through words. After reading your blog, I think I need to make my new year’s resolutions and try to stick with them. I hope 2021 is the year you spend days feeling happiness and love. May you succeed in your career and keep writing blogs.
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